ignore me. i’m being emo.

Probably best to just turn away right now and not read this post.  I feel the need to be deep and meaningfully self-indulgent and, because I lack a journal to write all this woe-is-me-shit in, it’s going here.

You’ve been warned.

I’m depressed.  I’m really depressed.

I feel like I’m drowning and I just can’t do the happy smiley Kris any more.

I just can’t.

She makes me so very tired.  She also makes it worse.

Worse because when I’m her I don’t deal with how I’m feeling.  I sabotage myself.  I do stupid things and what’s ridiculous is that I know exactly what I will do.

I know that I will drink too much.  I know that I will smoke too much.  I know that I will self harm.

That’s what happened last night and this morning I hate myself for it.

So, I need to take a break.

I need to OCD my house.  I need to get rid of the booze.  I need to make sure I have food and stuff for the boy kittehs.  I need to let the Mumma and Baby Brother know that I’m okay but am having a timeout.  I need to curl up and hide for a while.

Most of all, though, I need – needed – to get this all out.

To stop the pretending about what I’m feeling.

Another self-destructive trait I have.  *wry smile*

Anyway, that’s it.  That’s me.

Probably way more me than some people wanted to know, but, hey, I did tell you not to read this post so it’s your own fucking fault.  😛

Later.

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About Kris

Reads, rants, randoms & R+s. You've been warned. BTW, don't follow me if you're a GLBTQQphobic wanker. It won't end well. For you.
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37 Responses to ignore me. i’m being emo.

  1. Eyre says:

    I swear we must be sisters. It's horrible feeling this way. I do the whole avoidance thing too, and it just puts of the inevitable.

    Hugs to you, hon. I'm sorry you're so down. You once told me that there were people half a world away who care about me, the same goes for you.

  2. Jason says:

    I love you, even more than ever for your honesty. ~snuggles~ Please ask for help when you need it. We have all been there. It sucks.

    ~smooches~

  3. Tam says:

    Hugs hon. At least you are aware of what you are doing and take the break you need. I'm here if you need me. Love you.

  4. Chris says:

    *BIG HUG*

    I can really relate. Well, other than the self harm and the smoking. But otherwise… dragging along, dragging along…

    I wish we lived closer, sweetie. But you know I'm always here if you need to vent, ok??

    *ANOTHER BIG HUG*

  5. JenB says:

    It takes a great deal of smarts and self-awareness to throw away booze when you're feeling bad. My respect level for you just went up 200%. Good call having food for the kitties too. No sense being attacked by starving creatures with claws while you're down. 😉

    You'll be on my mind.

    Love you! *squishes*

  6. KB/KT Grant says:

    Oh my SC, I wish I could hop on a plan and make you laugh. Please take care of yourself and look at pictures of big fat, long hard tight cookies.

  7. Val says:

    Take care, Kris. Do what you need to do. Sometimes a time-out and a retreat for a while is the best thing. I wish you the best and hope you feel much better soon!

  8. Emilie says:

    *Hugs Kris* Remember that we love you. You can always e-mail me to talk.

  9. Mandi says:

    I think this is a pretty amazing post…once u write these thoughts or say them aloud to yourself….it makes it much harder to avoid. So I think u r quite the strong person Kris:)

    U take care of yourself:)

  10. Lily says:

    Sorry you're feeling down. Take your timeout and do what you need to make things better for you. Lots of love and big hugs to you!!!

  11. Juniper says:

    Saw this & immediately thought of you –

    Knowing there is one, just one person with your personality & vibrance out there in the world makes me feel completely optimistic & happy about living in it.

  12. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's a horrible way to feel, I do, and feel, the same thing, more often than I'd like to admit. It's actually what birthed Amara, and she hits the wall often these days.

    I wish I could do something to help make you feel better. All I really have to offer you is a hug. I really do wish there was more I could do for you.

    I hope you feel better soon. Hugs to you.

  13. Lori says:

    I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough patch. Know that even us lurkers are here for you and support you.

  14. Oh sweet baby, take care of you! Glad you are being smart, and that includes venting! Wishing you peace and sending (((hugs)))

  15. I am so, so sorry that you are feeling down. If you need anything at all I'm just an email away. I'll be thinking of you, sweetie.

  16. Kaetrin says:

    Sorry to hear you're feeling low Kris. Please let me know if there's anything I can do. Even though I'm far away, I'm at least in the same country…. 🙂

  17. orannia says:

    I want to give you a huge hug ATM, but I know that when I need timeout from, well, everything, being touched is the last thing I want. So…know that I am thinking of you and I'm here if you need me. To talk. To vent. To…just be.

    You are…amazing, and…I love all of you – when you're up and when you're down 🙂

    Take care sweetie x

  18. K. Z. Snow says:

    A mask can get heavy and stifling, can't it? But you just took a big step toward relief: You ripped the fucking thing off.

    Peace, peace, and more peace, Ozcake. Whether it comes from kitties or cleaning or contemplating your navel, draw it in like air.

    XO

  19. Kaetrin says:

    I forgot. The best piece of advice I ever received from a friend was when I was going through a difficult time.

    Her advice?

    Breathe.

    Sometimes that's all you can do and it takes all your energy to do it. But if you keep doing it, eventually, you can start doing other (good) stuff too.

  20. Mary Calmes says:

    I hope you feel better soon and know that you are always one of the bright spots in my day.
    Big hug comin' atcha!

  21. So sorry you're feeling depressed. I'm glad you recognize it and are addressing it. Wish you were closer, I'd give you a big hug…

  22. lisabea says:

    I just sent you an email.

    I'm a rotten friend! I haven't been around at all–which is a lie. I'm lurking like a psycho lurk stalk monter–but with nothing to say. Nadda.

    But I have something to say to you, little miss–

    I luff you. We all do. So email me back–or skype me–or fucking call me. (((kick)))

    And open the windows and let the sunlight in.

    L

  23. Tracy says:

    Life gets so hard sometimes and when that happens we just need to take a step back. Good for you for recognizing that you need to do it and not pretend that you don't.

    I loves you something fierce and am always here if you need to talk.

    {{{big hug}}}

  24. Kris says:

    Thank you everyone for your comments, support and friendship.

    It means more to me than you can ever know.

    So thanks. Just thanks.

  25. Kassa says:

    Been there .. have the medication to prove it. I know you have massive amounts of support but here's another one -glomps-

  26. Twimom227 says:

    *HUGS*

    I haven't been blog hopping in well, at least a couple weeks. I have missed chatting with my tweeps – and you are definitely one that I miss. So I find it great timing that today I take the time to check in…

    Your post is amazing. I know it doesn't help to say this – but I've been there, too. In fact, I'm feeling *some* of these same things myself right now. I wish so much that we ALL could get together and give IN REAL LIFE support to one another.

    But we are still connected via the internet, which is an amazing tool. I hope that you feel better soon b/c you are a great person and one of my favorite kittens! If you feel up to chatting, please drop me a line.

    xoxoxo Jen

  27. nichem says:

    You're one of the sweetest and funniest people I know, and I hate to see you down.

    Big huge hugs to you. Wish there was more I could do.

  28. Anne Brooke says:

    Hugs in triplicate and some. Know how this feels. Time out and lots of sleep is good, and I can sing the praises of St John's Wort with Passionflower tablets. Really helpful for me anyway.

    More hugs

    Anne
    xxxxxxxxx

  29. Ingrid says:

    Take care Kris.

  30. Mariana says:

    Sending sunlight, love, good thoughts and prayers your way. Hope you are feeling better soon.

  31. Anonymous says:

    Kris,

    U know that I know EXACTLY what are you going through. I want to send a virtual hug and kisses to you..

    Love U

    Ozakie

  32. Kris says:

    Thank you again, everyone. Knowing that you all are out there helps so very much. It makes my heart smile, you know. 🙂

    I've also started journaling on tumblr. I felt the need to get what I'm feeling, both the good and the bad, out in a different place besides this blog.

    Although I've never had a journal before, I think it will help. Or, at least, I hope it will.

    (((BIG FAT SQUISHY HUGS)))

  33. ElaineG says:

    There's nothing wrong with telling the people that adore you that you are not feeling like you! I just wish there was something that I could do from my little world in California…..other than telling you that you have tons of people that care and wish we could be there for you to give you an ACTUAL hug and not a virtual one 😦

    Please hang in there and know it gets better, funks go away (eventually) but friends, even cyber-ones will always be here!

    Sending those virtual hugs and maybe even a virtual shoulder too!

  34. Clare London says:

    *hugs* is all I can offer but it's there. Thinking of you x.

  35. Kris says:

    In my mind, I'm group hugging with Elaine and Clare right now. 🙂

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