the kris ‘n’ good books review policy

The Kris ‘n’ Good Books Review Policy

1.  I don’t do reviews on request because I’m too lazy.

2.  I might change my mind if you ask me nicely (ie bribe me with pron).

3.  Highly unlikely, though.

4.  Still, if I did review your book, don’t expect me to be nice about it because I’m not.

5.  Which you would have known had you actually read some of the crap on my blog.

6.  In addition to being aware of the whole #1 thing.

7.  Also, my so-called reviews basically consist of 4-5 paragraphs and I don’t rate.

8.  Here.  I don’t rate here because I don’t like ratings.  However, I do rate at goodreads.

9.  The only thing I’m consistent with is my bad attitude and my ratings.  I am the fucking bell curve, despite being referred to as a ‘hard’ rater.

10.  This makes me right, btw.

11.  Oh, and I don’t always explain my dis/likes thoroughly so best to fuck off now if you expect that.

12.  And I do occasionally have a fangurl moment, especially when it comes to Sir Terry; the stuff of epics against whom all other authors are judged and fail.

13.  Scared??  You should be.

14.  Mostly because if you send me hate mail or diss me in any way – and I’ll find out – trust me on this – my gossip network is full of teh awesome – I will bitch about you, not only behind your back; that’s a given, but where other readers can see for themselves your feet of clay.

15.  If I reviewed, that is.

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About Kris

Reads, rants, randoms & R+s. You've been warned. BTW, don't follow me if you're a GLBTQQphobic wanker. It won't end well. For you.
This entry was posted in me, not a review, reading, reviews. Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to the kris ‘n’ good books review policy

  1. Amy J says:

    LMAO

    Love this post!

  2. Tori says:

    LOLOL

  3. Tam says:

    bribe me with pron

    You're so damn easy.

    I have two review styles, 300 page book in 10 sentences and sometimes I can’t tell you why I liked or disliked it. Perhaps it’s your overuse of the pretentious conflict of yin and yang of the modern–day struggle of man to find his peace with god and mother nature while trying not to go blind from over-use of masturbation as a coping tool when confronted by depths of depravity and sin in his descent to the hell that is modern day Vegas. WTF? I have no clue. I hated it or I loved it sometimes. It’s a visceral thing and I’m not getting into imagery and symbolism and deep thoughts. When I want to do that I’ll start teaching University English classes and grading freshmen.

    The other blog I actually try to spell out what worked and didn’t a bit more. Not sure it’s more effective but I use more sentences. 🙂 Length = quality no? Isn’t that how it works?

    No one has ever offered me a book at my own blog. *sad face* (not really, I’m lying) but I did have a publisher approach me so it can’t be all bad. LOL Because our other blog says “How to give us books” then yes we get them. We’ve never said no yet, but we can. It’s my blog and I’ll turn you down if I want to. Luckily Jen’s great about reading most anything. I think I’m fussier. Or I just whine about it more, one of the two.

  4. KB/KT Grant says:

    I've seen #14 in action. Beware!

  5. Tracy says:

    You're so subtle. I wish you could be more up front with how you really review. I just can't get a feel for it in this post.

    Can I bribe you with pron and not ask you to review?

  6. Chris says:

    LOL! My review policy's not as funny, but I only guarantee to write a sentence or two, so… 🙂

  7. Kris says:

    Amy: I was going to post my hate mail to you, but thought decided to go with this instead.

    Tori: Stealer. 😛

    Miranda: *hair flick* Thank you.

    Tam: I know.

    “Perhaps it’s your overuse of the pretentious conflict of yin and yang of the modern–day struggle of man to find his peace with god and mother nature while trying not to go blind from over-use of masturbation as a coping tool when confronted by depths of depravity and sin in his descent to the hell that is modern day Vegas.”

    I think this should be the new category by which all books on your blog are rated.

    “Luckily Jen’s great about reading most anything. I think I’m fussier. Or I just whine about it more, one of the two.”

    I know which one I'm going with. *kiss, kiss*

  8. Kris says:

    KBC: Are you warning me or everyone else?

    Tracy: Quite possibly, however, I would need to check this against my rules to see if it applies.

    Chris: If the reviews that I never did were only one or two sentences worth I would have at least 30 rules for them. 😉

  9. Chris says:

    That's too much work! That's like 30 reviewettes for me. 🙂

  10. Jambrea says:

    So you're saying…run now? ROFL!

    I think that I THANKED a person on goodreads for a one rating. lol Not everyone likes everything. More people should realize that. heehee

  11. Kris says:

    Chris: I could help. It's pretty clear that I'm awesome at developing review policies.

    Jambrea: I'm saying run now… if I reviewed. 😉

    “Not everyone likes everything. More people should realize that. heehee”

    They should. Except, obviously, when it comes to me. Everyone loves me.

  12. You're such a testy, grouchy, overly sensitive, scrooge. Damn I love you hard. HARD!!

  13. Mumma J says:

    So, this means that I should never write the novel I have in me, right?

  14. Kris says:

    Sophia: *blushes* I know, and right backatchya, baby!

    Mumma: No, it means that when you write it you just shouldn't ask me to review it.

  15. Jambrea says:

    Good thing I'm not asking and you don't review. ROFL!

  16. Kris says:

    Jambrea: And there you go. See how easy it is. 😛

  17. Perhaps it’s your overuse of the pretentious conflict of yin and yang of the modern–day struggle of man to find his peace with god and mother nature while trying not to go blind from over-use of masturbation as a coping tool when confronted by depths of depravity and sin in his descent to the hell that is modern day Vegas.

    I love this and want to read more reviews like it! Go on Tam!

    Kris – I'm still not sure I quite understand you… You're being far too subtle and tricksy there. I suggest you spell out your review policy in non-ambiguous language so that thick-skulled authors can understand you 😉

  18. orannia says:

    Have I told you lately that I love you? Because if I haven't then I should have!

    I luvs you! *hugs*

  19. Kris says:

    Josephine: People always say that to me. And I try so hard to say what I mean…

    *sniff*

    *SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFF*

    Orannia: You forgot to tell me that there's no one else above me.

    But I still love you. *snuggles*

  20. Juni says:

    LOVE this! You need to go into politics.

  21. Kris says:

    Juni: I'm very diplomatic. This is true.

  22. ElaineG says:

    Number one is my favorite policy/rule/statement EVAH!

    Number 7 is made of awesome, cause it's ALWAYS 4-5 more coherent paragraphs than I could string together. And your 4-5 paragraphs are sometimes more entertaining than any book I have read in a week *grins*

    Numbers 9 and 10 are givens I think and your loyal minions will for sure bow down to you and attest to that *see me bowing?*

    Finally? I just HAVE to exclaim how much I lurb the term “feet of clay”…that is all I am too lazy to praise you anymore right now, I will save it for another time *snort* and also YOU RULE!

  23. Kris says:

    Elaine: The only thing which saves you from this >> “I am too lazy to praise you anymore right now” is your recognition that I am the Queen of Fucking Awesome.

    The only thing.

  24. orannia says:

    Orannia: You forgot to tell me that there's no one else above me.

    How could I have forgotten? No minion points for me!

  25. KB/KT Grant says:

    For every “A” grade you give, you give the author the KSC cookie seal of approval.

  26. Kris says:

    Orannia: That's right.

    KBC: As it should.

  27. Noted….

    You should patent this …. It'll be pirated soon…

    🙂

  28. Kris says:

    EH: You're right. Pirates would probably be more enticed by this then warned off as those thinking about requesting reviews were.

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