tam’s guest post: open the damn door!!! and other small annoyances

Maybe it’s the cycle of the moon or maybe it’s PMS, but lately a couple of little things in m/m books are making me crazy. This is not related to plot holes big enough to drive a Winnebago through, nor to the sheer proliferation of enormous sexual organs, but to small things so annoying I had to rant to my teenager about number 1.

#1 – Closed bedroom doors

Who in the hell keeps their bedroom door shut when they are not home? Then someone says “But I want to keep my roommate/kids/pets out of the room.” Okay, those are really the ONLY time I can see keeping a door shut. All of the times I’ve noticed it, the protag in question lives alone, not even a freaking cat to do the “scratchy scratchy” thing that cats are so good at.

Now yes, it is nice and dramatic and hot when you can slam your partner against the closed door. But really, there is a wall in the bedroom and for me that only works with the front door. Keep your full body slams to the entryway please and open the damn bedroom door.

#2 – Condoms in the hotel night table drawer

I’ve stayed in plenty of hotels in my day and when I get to a hotel I do NOT put anything personal in the night table. I sometimes check out of curiosity just to see of those sneaky Gideons have been there with their Bibles, but that’s it. Anything personal that I would likely carry in my little travel kit would be on the dresser or in the bathroom.

I’m always amazed when characters travelling with NO intention of having sex, (just broke up, celibate monk) meet a sexy stranger in the lobby and go up to their hotel room within hours of arriving and have already placed the lube and condoms in the drawer of the night table. I’m not saying they might not have them in their travel kit. Hell, I have stuff in there that I never take out, but to put it in the drawer? Sigh Only a couple of times have I ever read someone saying “they’re in my shaving kit on the dresser” or “they are in my luggage” and believe it or not his dick didn’t explode when he had to wait 7.5 seconds for the other guy to retrieve the goods. I know it’s just a convenience to say “in the drawer”, but really, let’s insert just a smidgen of realism here people.

So there are two of my big bug-a-boos, along with eating mousse with a fork. 🙂 Sometimes it can be simple things that make the story move faster so they just gloss over it, but its enough that it takes me out of the book and I have a “Crap, not again!” moment, then continue on. So what little thing(s) makes you crazy when you read? Or is it just me?

About Kris

Reads, rants, randoms & R+s. You've been warned. BTW, don't follow me if you're a GLBTQQphobic wanker. It won't end well. For you.
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22 Responses to tam’s guest post: open the damn door!!! and other small annoyances

  1. K. Z. Snow says:

    Man, there are a lot of butt burrs going around! Wave, Kris, Jen, Kassa, and now you, Tam!

    Are we scribblers really that stinko?

  2. Kris says:

    You're asking me of all people if there are any small things that annoy the crap out of me when reading m/m?? Honey, I have an excel spreadsheet – cross referenced too – on my computer!

    Your #2 is something I've noticed and have always considered bloody odd. Who puts personal stuff in a hotel drawer especially if they're only going to be there overnight or for a few days?? Weird.

    The thing that always gets me is the bin beside the bed. The only time there is something like that beside my bed is (a) when I have a head cold and (b) when I have a hangover.

    I also get the little frowny thing between my eyes when I'm reading about hot guys in a club hooking up. Here they are in skin tight clothes and showing off their bulges, but what's not *conveniently* bulging is the little packs of lube and condoms that they all manage to carry around on the off chance they're gonna get lucky?? Really???

  3. Tam says:

    K.Z. Honey, your not stinko at all. I love you all dearly and I would be lost without you. Sometimes I think authors get caught up in that little thing called a plot and characters and forget that we readers notice if the wrong utensil is used for eating or some other little everyday thing is a bit off.

    In the grand scheme I've never disliked a book because the bedroom door was closed or the condoms were conveniently in the drawer with the Bible, (ack) but it does make me go “that wouldn't happen in real life” which is like a bit of a hiccup while reading.

  4. Tam says:

    The trash bin. I seem to remember that mine was next to the bed when I was in university. Maybe it was the hangover thing. I don't find it that odd I guess because I have had one there and my daughters is beside her bed (only one night table).

    As for the magical lube. You know I actually scoured the lube section of the drug store once to see if I could find individual packets of lube? I couldn't. They only had bottles (every size and kind). So where does one buy these individual use things? Maybe I don't live in a gay enough city? Maybe I have to go to the gay health clinic? But I kept reading about them and wanted to see them in real life and I couldn't find any. 😦

    But there is underwear like this http://www.andrewchristianshop.com/ProductImages/Products/11228/VPM/1.jpg with a little condom pocket so you can always have it close to your …. parts. Although I've never seen condom pocket underwear written in a story. Someone? Its the latest thing.

  5. Tam says:

    Oh yeah, my next post will be very positive and upbeat. Promise.

  6. Kris says:

    K Z: Naw, we just like picking on you guys. Keeps you off that pedestal and back on our level and stuff. 😉

    Tam: I can't believe you went looking for the lube. Actually. Yes, I can.

    You reckon a guy in a lust frenzy will be able to get a condom out of that little pocket?? It's like that ridiculous lipstick/tampon pocket that chicks get in jeans. Useless.

    You be the upbeat one I get to *still* be the cranky one. Works for me. *G*

  7. Tracy says:

    I don't think I've ever read a book where there are condoms and/or lube in the drawers that fast. Of course they're not in the lugguge either! lol

    And don't you just love the stories about celibate monks? I do.

  8. Matthew says:

    Yeah, celibate monks with condoms in the nighstand are fun.
    What makes me roll my eyes are sex scenes with guys so aroused while still fully dressed, they can't think, talk and they hardly know how to unzip their pants. I mean – c'mon! I've been sexually active for some years but never in my life I've been reduced to a drooling dement. Ladies, believe or not, we have enough blood in our bodies for some of it to reach our brains even during major erection!

  9. Kris says:

    You mean guys can think when aroused, Matthew?? Talk about shattering all my romantic illusions. 😦

    Celibate monk stories are right up there with two guys coming together years later; still in love and still virgins.

  10. Matthew says:

    Yep, virgins with condoms in the nighstand drawer. Just lovely.
    Kris, I hate to be the one who shattered your illusions. Actually, yes, we can think. Nothing too serious or overly smart, but still… 🙂

  11. Jenre says:

    Who puts personal stuff in a hotel drawer especially if they're only going to be there overnight or for a few days

    Um, me.
    I always empty my overnight bag and put stuff away in drawers, even if I'm only there overnight.

    OMG, what does this say about me!!!!

    Things that annoy me in m/m. You mean the stuff I haven't already blogged about/ brought up on other people's blogs? OK, the mysteriously disappearing clothes, especially socks. They take off their tops, jeans (usually underwear goes at the same time), they toe off their shoes but it never mentions the socks and yet they are always barefooted.

    Which reminds me of this great gag from coupling



  12. jitterbug says:

    Excuse me Tam, but HOW did you find the underwear with comdom pocket?! And I've always wondered too about the mini-packets of lube. I guess we'll have to keep wondering ;).

    I know I'm a little squeamish, but I've always find trash bins fulled with tied-off condoms and positioned near the headboard of the bed fairly disgusting ;P

  13. Matthew says:

    Oh, I forgot about mini-pockets of lube. I got one (well, three) at gay pride march, together with condoms and some STD leaflets. Some nice bearded lady was giving them away.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Actually Tam, there are individual packs of lube but I have only seen them in healthcare facilities or in medical stores.
    I too keep a bin by the bed so thats plausible to me.
    My issue is of course medical issues when an author uses a disease as a convenient storyline to explain something, or the facts are wrong. Most probably the non-medical pple don't notice but for me it does pull me out of the story. Case in point, Sean Michaels 'Spoken' which I really enjoyed but the MRSA thing made me start laughing in disbelief because no way ANYONE can diagnose MRSA just by looking at a wound… I am a big SM fan but come on… ok I'm done.

  15. Tam says:

    Jitterbug: Someone I know on-line showed me a picture. Trust a gay guy to know about condom pocket underwear. LOL It was the first time I'd seen it. When I googled “condom pocket underwear” to get a pic, I found there are also bras with a little condom pocket for the ladies. 🙂

    Jen: Yes, you are odd. LOL The “sock gap”, that's hilarious.

    Guess I'll have to go to the Pride parade this year to see if I can scope out individual lube packets. I will find them if it kills me, just to say I've seen them in real life.

  16. Lily says:

    #2 has always seemed strange to me. I've never put anything in a hotel room nightstand drawer and the thought of condoms and lube next to the hotel Bible, eeek 0_0

    What gets me is the throwing of the used condoms (tied or not, and that's another thing that annoys me) into the convenient trashcan by the bed.

    I've never had one next to any bed I've ever slept in and the thought of the used condom just lying in there, another eeek.

    The whole tying of the condom thing, lol, it just doesn't seem it would be as easy as it's written. I have a hard time tying freaking balloons for parties and they're not small and haven't just come out of someone's body ;))

    Double eeek, I just can't imagine trying to tie it. Wouldn't you have to then get up and wash your hands RIGHT AWAY???

    For that just get up and throw it away in the bathroom.


  17. Kris says:

    Matthew: See, I knew you were fibbing. LOL. Bearded ladies are always nice.

    Jen: Anal much?? Re: socks – Maybe all the characters of m/m are stuck in a Miami Vice time loop.

    I loved “the deadly pit of socks”. Friggin' hilarious.

    Jitterbug: I'm the same. Makes me gag.

  18. Kris says:

    Suzi: I'm the same way when it comes to my own field of expertise. It's one of the main reasons I read little to no historical romance these days. It just pisses me off too much.

    Tam: “I will find them if it kills me, just to say I've seen them in real life.” You scare me when you start getting obsessive. You seriously do.

    Lily: Ha! You, Jitterbug and me weez the same. The bin by the bed is squicky.

    Do you breathe a sigh of relief when the guy gets up to go to the bathroom?? I feel like writing to the author and thanking them for not ruining the moment for me. LOL.

  19. orannia says:

    LOL! I just adore these conversations 🙂

    Suz – I agree with you WRT MRSA!

    The thing that get me is…doesn't anyone EVER get sore from all that sex? I mean, friction people! And don't get me started on the number of orgasms that can be had in one night…

  20. Kris says:

    I told you to forget about dehydration, etc when you read Sean Michael, Orannia. 😉

  21. Ingrid says:

    As for the magical lube. You know I actually scoured the lube section of the drug store once to see if I could find individual packets of lube? I couldn't.

    This had me looking too. I did not see it in store but you can buy it at the online drugstore. A product reviewer said its great for holidays *g*

  22. Kris says:

    “I'm beginning to think that weird is catching.*

    Don't forget that Matthew said you can also get them from nice bearded ladies at gay pride parades. 🙂

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