pre-rapture confession

Dear all


Given the fact that I will be joining all the other awesome peeps in Heaven on Saturday, I thought I’d take the opportunity to get my confession out of the way before the mad rush.


You’re welcome.


1. I don’t really like any of you.  I’m just pretty good at faking it.


2. I also hate m/m romance and erotica. I’ve only been reading this crap to be part of the latest bandwagon.  I’m all about fads.


3. In fact, the romance genre as a whole sucks.  It’s all a bunch of rainbowy butterfly farting drivel created for hard-up spinsters and lonely wives who should just bite the bullet and buy themselves a bloody dildo already.


4. All of you who think ebooks are ‘real’ books are just fucking weird.  Also, they will never catch on.  Plus, they wouldn’t nearly be as useful in a zombie apocalypse as print books. These are important things that should be considered. Indeed, I was planning a campaign to get a warning label put on ebooks which said ‘CAN’T BE USED IN AN APOCALYPSE. TOLD YOU YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT PRINT, DUMBARSE’.  I guess I have to ditch that now.  Bummer.


5. My name is Kris, but I’m not really a girl.  The person who went to America last year was actually some random freckly chick who I gave a plane ticket to in return for her pretending to be me.  So if you hated her guts that’s totally cool.  I’m actually a het guy studying the phenomena of online personas and their relationship with schizophrenic wanktardiness and someone suggested I focus on the online reading community.  Needless to say that it has provided some pretty awesome case studies.  I also thought it would help me make friends.  Har.  Har.  Not really.  See Number 1.


6. 



Hope you all have a great couple of last days.


Not.


Yours sincerely,


Kris of Kris ‘n’ Good Books.


PS – If I’m still here on Sunday, let’s just forget this ever happened.

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About Kris

Reads, rants, randoms & R+s. You've been warned. BTW, don't follow me if you're a GLBTQQphobic wanker. It won't end well. For you.
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36 Responses to pre-rapture confession

  1. Chris says:

    Well, this has totally cinched you not going anywhere. 🙂

  2. Jason says:

    Wait! what? You were giving out free airline tickets??

  3. Juni says:

    Damn, I had a Rapture post for tomorrow but it can't match this!

    If you're planning on go uptheways on Saturday, could you please give Sean Kennedy your NOLA tickets so we can meet him instead – I hear he's quite a looker.

    I'll stay down here with the blasphemers & the sodomites & enjoy the party. You can take the lovely evangelists & Fred Phelps & we'll toast you with a gallon of ale whilst toasting ourselves in hell!

  4. KB/KT Grant says:

    So since you'll be the first to experience the rapture, 6pm your time, you must tell us how it goes.

  5. Juni says:

    PS – what a waste to spend money on a beautiful new tat that'll now be hidden behind your harp.

  6. Tam says:

    *high fives Juni for her last comment*

    Hmm. I kind of liked that impostor. What does that say about you? Wait, what does that say about me? What was I saying?

    Anyway, I plan on sticking around Sunday and getting a new BMW, maybe a couple of ipads and I'm raiding a Baskin Robbins.

    Word veri: dindiggi – isn't that some kind of Australian national instrument or something?

  7. Kris says:

    Given the upcoming rapture, I've decided that I can stop pretending to be nice and ignore any comments.

    Also, out of all of you, I hate Juni the most.

  8. If all the do-gooders are right and there are no gay people, booze, curse words, Lady Gaga, Glee or cabana boys in Heaven, then they can keep their rapture. I'd rather stay down here and party my arse off.

  9. Chris says:

    Also, Stephani, being raptured would seriously cramp your movie night!

  10. Kris says:

    Yeah, but the movie they're reviewing is crap so…

  11. Tam says:

    So when you say “I hate you” is that like in third grade when the harder you punched a boy the more you really liked him? Is this some kind of reverse psychology thing? I'm confused.

    And my word veri is hogicken, a cross between a hog and a chicken, thus leading to chicken bacon with no cholesterol. Fry me up a plate full.

  12. Lori says:

    LOL!! Saturday is our anniversary and hubby joked that “Yeah, I'll make you think you've died and gone to heaven.” Conceited much?

    And if you hate all of us, does that mean we can hate you back? *batting eyelashes*

  13. Jackie says:

    Can't have movie night interrupted! I'm looking so forward to that high quality film. I think I'll stay right here thank you very much:)

  14. Kris says:

    Tam: Can't you read?? I am the boy.

    Lori: Wasn't that you who just unfollowed me?? 😛

    Jackie: Well, I don't like you so your staying here is all good with me!

  15. Having movie our movie night interrupted would seriously tick me off. I put a lot of thought into finding that gem of a flick 😉

  16. Jackie says:

    Steph- Should I also tell them that I had to practically do a drumroll when you told it to me;)

    Kris- sniff sniff. I'll practice my princess wave to send you on your way.

  17. Kris says:

    Could you two not bother me. I'm watching Samuel and Chris fuck right now on their live webcam show.

  18. Kris says:

    Well, actually Tam and Mandi are sending me screen shots, but it still totally counts.

    Trust me.

    *fans self*

  19. Ingrid says:

    As the others say I rather stay here, all the nice people are too

  20. Kris says:

    Ingrid: You think Juni is nice??

    Well.

  21. orannia says:

    Well, since it's going to happen here first, and I most likely won't be going anywhere, and I'll sure to email you afterwards 🙂

    I'm watching Samuel and Chris fuck right now on their live webcam show.

    *jaw drops*

    And…NOLA? Curious minds would like to know more please?

  22. Ingrid says:

    Please do tell Orianna.

    Juni does have a nice blog Kris, with pretty pics and gifs ans such.

    As it happens I have a sort of reunion from a former employer of mine on sunday. A funeral company.

  23. Mumma J says:

    Okay, I think I'll just copy all of these comments and paste them into the sitcom about the end of the world that I'm writing. Thanks ladies and gents.

  24. Kris says:

    Orannia: If we don't hear from you we'll assume you went up.

    Ingrid: “As it happens I have a sort of reunion from a former employer of mine on sunday. A funeral company.”

    Heh.

    Mumma: you're welcome.

  25. Have you guys hear about the atheist group that is accepting a one time fee to take care of your pets after you get Raptured?

    Tam – “Word veri: dindiggi – isn't that some kind of Australian national instrument or something?”

    Digery Do (and I'm a New Yorker)

    Kris – “I'm watching Samuel and Chris fuck right now on their live webcam show.”

    Why do I not know/have access to this?!

  26. Tam says:

    Because you don't follow them on twitter Mindy. Then you'd know these things.

    The puppies were cute. Growling the whole way through sex. LOL

  27. Kris says:

    Miranda: “Have you guys hear about the atheist group that is accepting a one time fee to take care of your pets after you get Raptured?”

    I suddenly have the song 'Born Free' in my head.

    Tam: Can you screenshot a sound?? You should do that too next time.

    Oh, and if peeps ask nicely Tam may share pics of Samuel and Chris. 😉

  28. orannia says:

    And it's past 6 PM here and…well, I'm still here (unless I'm connecting from there 🙂 *checks* Nope. Still here – sorry *grin*

  29. Jessica says:

    I can't decide whether to be disappointed or relieved that we're all still here. On the one hand, that means there's still time to do all kinds of stuff with awesome people.

    On the other hand, I was kinda looking forward to Fred Phelps et al. getting scooped up and sent somewhere else! Word veri: mufacki. Sounds like a suitable response to the fact they're still here.

  30. Juni says:

    Cooee! Are you still there?

  31. Kris says:

    Orannia: *snort* After it didn't happen at 6pm I'd hoped that maybe it would be 6pm US time, but no. What a let down.

    Jessica: “On the other hand, I was kinda looking forward to Fred Phelps et al. getting scooped up and sent somewhere else!”

    It just proves that God thinks he's a douche and doesn't want him either. I can just picture it now…

    God: No, he's obviously yours.

    Devil: He speaks in your name. *shoves*

    God: Nobody speaks for me, but me. Did you learn nothing?! *shoves back*

    Juni: Are you trying to learn Australian before NOLA, Juni? And, of course, I'm still here. Was there any real doubt?

  32. Emilie says:

    Hmm…9:00 p.m. U.S. Eastern Standard Time, and I'm still here. Guess I've been a bad girl. Oh, well. I've still got lots of books to read, and online friends to talk to, because it doesn't seem like they went anywhere either. 😉

  33. Kris says:

    Emilie: Nope. They sure as hell didn't. 😉

  34. Tracy says:

    I read this when you wrote it but chose to wait until after said rapture day to comment – since I knew we'd all still be here – one way or the other. lol

    And for a het guy you're pretty cute. 🙂

  35. Kris says:

    And you don't think you could have told the rest of us that we would still be here, Tracy?? Geez, you can be mean sometimes.

    “And for a het guy you're pretty cute. :)”

    I know. *hair flounce*

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