Earlier in the year, I wrote a post about owning words. I’ve since come to terms with the fact I’m in no way as confident as I was then.
As some of you already know, this year has been particularly tough for me. I feel like I’ve waged – and still wage – a constant battle with my depression. I’ve talked about about this mostly at my tumblr which has been a journal of sorts. This time, however, I really feel the need to try and get this message out to as many people as possible, hence my posting here at my blog.
This message is again one about words. Not only those seemingly offhand ones like ‘that’s so gay’ which can cause so much harm, but those deliberate ones which are used to belittle and to cut deeply to the bone.
You see, ever since I was a teenager, people have described me as ‘a bitch’ or ‘moody’ or most often ‘a moody bitch’. This was said behind my back, within my hearing and even to my face. Looking back, it seemed this generally became accepted as ‘just the way Kris was’.
I accepted it too. After all, if you’ve been told something enough times you tend to believe it and, let’s face it, this particular shoe does tend to fit me pretty well so…
It does, however, make me wonder what would have happened if my being ‘a moody bitch’ wasn’t so entrenched, wasn’t the only way I was viewed by others, and wasn’t the only way I judged myself.
Would people have taken more notice? Would anyone have realised the increasingly violent mood swings I was having were actually a sign of something else?
Would any of us, including myself, have thought that maybe I was bipolar?
Well, I am bipolar. I was diagnosed about two months ago.
As the weeks have passed, I’ve come to realise I am so unbelievable angry at all those who called me ‘a moody bitch’ over the years. Most of all, though, I’m hurt.
I have this hurt so deep down in the pit of my stomach because it was those critical words – for that’s what they were – which reinforced my own perception that I was somehow ‘wrong’. Something I’m still struggling to deal with today.
So, to all those who called me ‘a moody bitch’, well, fuck you.
My message to those of you who, like me, have been the victims of words, but will never use them as weapons against others, is to get it out.
Get out all that anger and hurt those words have done to you. Do it in the comment section here. Just don’t let it fester because in the end those words will cause you even more harm.
Take it from someone who knows.
Those who dared:
Kris on maybe it’s me, but… kaetrin on maybe it’s me, but… Kris on maybe it’s me, but… kaetrin on maybe it’s me, but… Kris on maybe it’s me, but…