vampire ponderings (part 1)

I’m a fan of the paranormal genre and I love me a good vampire, but even I have to admit that the total saturation of the publishing, film – hell, let’s face it, just about everything – market gets a leeetle too much even for someone like me.

Anyhoo, this isn’t going to be a rant about ka-ching bandwagons. *Been there, done that yesterday.* Instead, this is going to be a serious analysis of some of the tropes of the vampire genre.
Bwahahahahahaha! As if! This is me we’re talking about after all. *wipes tear from eye*

Nup, this post is all about my vampire ponderings (ie the shit I come up with when I’m trying to avoid work).

Vampire Pondering #1.

A common theme in the genre is that when you become a vampire your reproductive bits dry up, right? If that’s the case, riddle me this virtual folk…

How do the boys still get to cum then??

I mean I get why the girl stuff just shuts down entirely cos, hello, menstruation would seriously bring on blood lust in any self-respecting vampire. But it seems a bit inconsistent, don’t you think?

Putting aside the fact that no woman in her right mind would want to get her period for the rest of her immortal life, your thoughts on this important issue are, as always, appreciated.

About Kris

Reads, rants, randoms & R+s. You've been warned. BTW, don't follow me if you're a GLBTQQphobic wanker. It won't end well. For you.
This entry was posted in extra further randomness, probably tmi, vampires. Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to vampire ponderings (part 1)

  1. Tam says:

    Girl vampires don't get their period? Really? Where can I find someone to turn me?

    I think some vampires don't have ejaculate, but I figure if they have a heartbeat (some do) then if you have liquid blood you have other liquids, mind you if you don't eat or drink you don't have to use the potty which is handy at football games, concerts and other venues with one toilet for every 10,000 attendees.

  2. K. Z. Snow says:

    Castanet's going to field this one. So, first off, please pardon her frankness. But y'all (or “they”) know she has OCFD. I'm going to have a beer now.


    Vampires can ejaculate, and quite strongly. Will blow the damned pearls right off your neck, in fact. They do not, however, have viable sperm. Pity.

    A male vamp having his bloodlust triggered by menstruation is akin to a mortal having his lust for gourmet lobster triggered by a dead, gutted fish. In a poll by Reuters, menstruation was the number one reason ambisexual male vampires gave for turning their sexual attention almost exclusively to other males.

    Anything else you want to know?

    Good sucking,

  3. oh Kris, how I love thee, let me count the ways.

    Does that mean girl vamps don't get cramps?

    The cum blood instead of sperm? From drinking all that blood, they need to get rid of it somehow and a pissing vamp is so not sexy.

  4. Tam says:

    Castanet is brillz.

  5. Erm…ew…now I've got a picture in my head from KB's comment. Just EW! *hack hack*

  6. Sean Kennedy says:

    I agree with Katiebabs. I think the only cum they would have would be blood they've already digested.

    Which means that other vampires probably love giving blowjobs.

  7. Kris says:

    Tam: So some can't and some can?? It just doesn't make sense.

    Ms C: Well. I'm convinced. About blowing hard and the results of the poll, though, not necessarily the dead fish thing.

    “Anything else you want to know?”

    Actually, yes. How is it that you know all this Ms C? And why is it a pity about the slow swimmers??

  8. Tracy says:

    It's like the vampiric vasectomy! They still cum but the little guys have said “swim away”!

    Dude! You hate me…I knew it! That picture! My eyes, how they burn! Well at least it 's the first one I've seen of him that doesn't look like like Cro-Magnon man.

  9. Kris says:

    *blushes* Geez, KBC, not in front of everyone.

    I'm not sure it would be blood per se, but I think it would definitely taste like blood cos it's happens with human boys when they eat certain things.

    But, yep, they would have to pee. Liquid diet and all that.

    Tam: I agree.

    Bridget, hun, you gotta toughen up to read this lot. LOL.

  10. Sean: Now I must see if vampire books have more blow jobs in them then the other non-vampire ones I read.

  11. Kris says:

    Sean: “Which means that other vampires probably love giving blowjobs.”

    Quite possibly; however, there are certain dangers inherent in that and the incidents of bitten dicks are probably horrific. I wonder if Reuters has done a survey on that.

    Tracy: I made that picture special. Just for you.

    Which reminds me… why didn't anyone tell me that you can make your own captions for lolcats, lolcelebs, etc???? I have now found my true calling and will grace you all with my loltokens.

  12. Kris says:

    KBC: Be sure to let us know the results. This is very important stuff.

  13. I may have to expand on this discussion on my blog. Inquiring minds want to know. I need to know!

    We should ask authors who write vampire fiction this question cause they have done the research.

  14. Kris says:

    Well, of course, they have done the research because otherwise they've just joined the ka-ching bandwagon and that can't possibly be true. Right. πŸ˜‰

    I think this is a topic that definitely merits further investigation. A question along the lines of…

    If you were a vampire and were giving a BJ would you

    (a) expect to not have to feed tonight because you just got your daily ration of vampire cum, or

    (b) only do this after feeding cos that inner thigh artery is just too damned close

  15. Jenre says:

    Well after extensive research (ie reading far too many vampire books for it to be healthy) I don't think I've come across a single vampire who couldn't ejaculate. I've come across a fair number who didn't have any other bodily functions (including breathing) but semen seems to always survive the 'change'.

    On a side note about this the vampire in “Immortality is the Suck” complained about the fact that he still needed to piss even though he only drunk blood which he thought would get absorbed into his body.

  16. Jenre says:

    On another side note. Why do I keep reading your posts first thing in the morning when I'm eating my breakfast? The whole blood/menstruation has put me off my weetabix.

    I should know by now to leave it until a bit later in the day :).

  17. Kris says:

    Jen, exactly. How come semen is the only thing to survive? It's like the whole genre is focused on making vampire's sexy or summat…

    … hang on a minute!!

    Re: you 2nd side note: Buggered if I know. I would've thunk you'd learnt not to do that by now.

  18. Tam says:

    Okay, I did read a book where the guy bit the dick and fed a bit during the blow job. Apparently it was very pleasant for the bitee. So it happens, oh yes, it happens.

  19. K. Z. Snow says:

    There are many breeds of vampires, you know. You'll never come upon a single answer that applies to all of them.

  20. Kris says:

    Tam: I've read it in m/f too. It was sold as 'the ultimate kiss for vampire mates'. Sounded like a bunch of horse shit to me.

    KZ: HA!!!!!! *off to post*

  21. There once was a vampire named Mabel
    Whose period was notoriously stable.
    So one night in June,
    She sat down with a spoon
    And drank herself under the table.

    >.< or something.

  22. oh my. oh my. oh my.


  23. Kris says:

    Emmy, you squicked yourself out?? What about the rest of us?!

    Icky. Srsly icky.

  24. orannia says:

    I not sure what has me concerned more – the question or the various answers!

    Oh, and in response to the photo, who wants a vampire when you can have a werewolf *grin*

  25. Kris says:

    Yay, Team Jacob!!! πŸ˜‰

    BTW, I'm sure that you find the answers more disturbing, Orannia, because the question obviously rocks. *g*

  26. Merwan says:

    Oops, I'm days late on the fun.. 😦 Still, my 2 cents:

    I know Anne Rice is not well-loved and all, but she got it right I think: her vampires couldn't even get an erection, let alone ejaculate, which I found pretty…realistic (hehe) and consistent. More realistic than sperm-ejaculating vampires at least and ejaculating blood is just disturbing. For Anne Rice's vampires, the orgasms happened when they fed. The tastier the blood, the greater the climax, etcetera. It makes sense when you read the books…

  27. Kris says:

    Hmmm, interesting… and, as you say, more realistic. But now I need to Google if it's possible for guys to orgasm without actually ejaculating. More time wasting, yay! Thanks Merwan! πŸ™‚

  28. Merwan says:

    Google would not help you there, I'm afraid. πŸ™‚ The feeding-orgasm is not the equivalent of ejaculating/physical orgasm; in fact, it was much more pleasurable, some kind of heightened “orgasm” that made the regular one pale in comparison. So those vampires did not seek physical intercourse because it does not compare to the pleasure they get feeding.

  29. Kris says:

    Ahhhhh. An extrasensory kind of orgasm. I'm with you now. πŸ™‚

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