I was going to write something profoundly witty to mark the occasion of the last day of 2011. You know, just my usual brand of awesome.
However, when reflecting about the past year, there is only one thing which has dominated my life as well as those of the people around me and that has been, and still is, my mental illness.
Without a doubt this has been one of the toughest years I’ve ever had.
God, geezus, has it ever been.
When I wrote the other day about my main achievement having been surviving 2011, it was no exaggeration.
There were so many times when I didn’t think I would make it, when the thoughts about ending the overwhelming and suffocating pain of depression consumed me, when all I could think about was escape.
I recently read one of those tumblr quotes/notes which said ‘Depression takes away the one thing you thought could never be taken away – yourself’.
On top of everything else – the depression, the anxiety disorder, the obsessive compulsive disorder, the diagnosis of bipolar and the bad behaviours associated with these illnesses such as my self-medication with booze and my self-harming – one of the biggest things I’ve had to struggle to deal with is my sense of loss of self.
That I’m not the person who I thought I was.
I know I am, if now somewhat changed, but feeling I am is something quite different and is a battle I continue to fight daily.
Which leads me to one of the most significant things I’ve experienced this year – the love, friendship and unconditional support of my family and my online friends.
If not for them, I couldn’t have got through 2011.
If not for your wishes, hope and belief in me, I don’t believe I would still be here.
It’s really as simple as that.
There are so many who’ve helped me get through this year; whether it be by leaving a comment, by tweeting me, by sending me an email, by mailing me a card or a present.
While I can’t name you all – which I’m totally blaming on my new memory-killing meds – there are a number of people who immediately spring to mind as they’ll never know how many times their reaching out to me happened when I was at my lowest.
The times when I was corresponding with them while my entire body was shaking, barely seeing the keyboard because of my uncontrollable sobbing, and with only the words I was typing to them stopping me from focussing on knives and blood.
To Tam, Chris, Sean, Juni, Emilie, Tiffany, Tish, Orannia, Tracy, Jen, Kaetrin and Eyre as well as to those who’ve come more recently into my life like Stephani, Amara and Nic – I thank you.
There are no other words profound enough to express how deeply I appreciate you all and am so very grateful for having you – and all the rest of my minions ❤ – in my life.
The life you’ve helped me fight for.
And now I’m all snotty and sappy.
Those who dared:
ouaqquwcgk on my confession dkmhwgijnw on random awesomeness Kris on maybe it’s me, but… kaetrin on maybe it’s me, but… Kris on maybe it’s me, but…
Oh great, make me cry on New Year's Eve. Well, almost NYE for me. 🙂
I'm so glad you did make it, the world would be a much duller and less colourful place without you in it. If I helped even a little, then I am forever thankful for that. I hope that you can kick 2012 in the ass and make it a year to remember for amazingly good things, not just the bad.
Hugs to you from us up here freezing our asses off.
Like Tam, I am very, very glad you made it. *HUGS* And I am glad that I was able to help in some way.
I can relate to the not being the you you always thought you were, too. Most definitely.
*pulls tissue box closer*
*goes to get another box*
Sweetheart – I, like so many others, am so glad you made it through this year. I think the optimal word (for me) in your post was survived. 'Cause you did. Against mountains. And yes those mountains are still there, but…you know they are there and IDK, maybe knowing they are there and knowing you won't be alone when climbing them may help?
Part of me thinks about the journey ahead and just wants to go back. TBH I don't know who I am, what I want…it's like I'm a facsimile of me. But…I hope, that on my journey I'll find me. And…I think on your journey you'll find..maybe not the 'you' you always thought you were, but the 'you' you are meant to be.
And if I have helped in any way at all I am so grateful. Like Tam said, the world would be so grey without you in it. And for all that I have helped you, you have helped me. Your support and generousity of spirit – you inspire me. *warm snugly hugs*
I was happy to help in whatever way I could. *Hugs* I hope 2012 is a much better year for you.
Awww. I'm ridiculously pleased I was able to help in some small way.
You're very welcome and, anytime.
Here's hoping 2012 will be a stupendously awesomely wonderful year for all of us. Or, at the very least, not sucky. 🙂
Huge, huge congratulations on surviving 2011!
Sometimes, surviving is the hugest, most astounding, strongest and bravest thing a person can do.
Those people that see themselves as strong, who see people like us as weak, you know what they often are? The're not strong. They're lucky. Lucky they haven't faced the mountains we have faced.
And we're still here. So maybe it got close sometimes? That's okay. We made it. We're strong.
You're strong. Strong in a way those lucky people will never have to understand. Lucky them.
But those of us who've been there – and you've been through so much this year; you've sure as hell “been there” – and walked out the other side? We're fucking amazing.
Keep walking. It'll be hard sometimes. But you've got lots of people on your side (you don't really even know me, but I'm on your side) and it's okay to lean on them when you need to. Keep walking, keep breathing, and ever so slowly, I really, really hope for you, the path will get easier.
And somewhere along the way, you'll find you. She might not be the you that you imagined, but she'll be fucking amazing too.
Happy new year, Kris. And I mean it. Happy!
What Tam and Chris said :).
Honestly, I'm glad we have helped because it's frustrating living thousands of miles away and not being able to come to your house to give you hugs in person.
Big virtual hugs and I hope 2012 is the year that you discover yourself again and come to love yourself the way we all love you.
I'm looking forward to many more awesome posts from you here :).
This is exactly the reason I will forever LOVE the internet, because even though we have never met face to face, I feel my life would be lacking something without you in it. You are many, many things….brave, snarky, silly, REAL, funny (actually belly busting hilarious often), REAL, honest, courageous, sympathetic, and mostly? Amazing! Dealing with everything you do every day, yet you still have time to empathize, sympathize and RELATE to the people that post here, simply because you are an amazing person! I adore you, I am lucky to have literally stumbled on your blog and I want you to know that I am VERY VERY happy you are still fighting and still giving and still you!
You my dear, are a beast. It may have been hard but you fight for every day and I'm honored to call you my friend.
I'm also thankful fr the times you reached out to me when I couldn't quite do the reaching myself.
<3 Here is to a better 2012. We can get through and we will do it smiling... at least partly.
The thanks go both ways, sweetie darlin' 🙂
Here's hoping 2012 turns the mountains into molehills and we're sitting here in 12 months going… WTF was I thinking last year… This is the bestest time of my life 😉
Take care and may the fates bring you all the love and peace you deserve. I'd give you mine but I lost it behind the sofa and there's no bloody way I'm going behind that thing to retrieve it LOL!
See you in the new year luv!
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to sniffle with love and happiness ( or as M says love and happy penis) 😉
Kris, I wish you a wonderful New Year with lots and lots of good in it, with much happiness and much strength, too. Although I hope you won't need the latter as much and the way you did this last year.
Hey you!! I lurve you man!! Just wanted to stop by and wish you a happy new year!! xoxo
Shit, there's something in my eye. *wipes furiously*
Everyone has said what I wanted to (but much better than I could), so I'll just flash in with ninja squeezy hugs and a big sloppy kiss because I know how much you love me being sappy. Xxxxxx
As always, I am so humbled by your thoughts and wishes, your love and friendship.
To Tam, Chris, Orannia, Emilie, Kaetrin, Rocalisa, Matthew, Jen, Elaine, Tiffany, Tish, Lilli, Sophia and Nic, you make my heart full and the journey all the more worthwhile.
Happy New Year! Wishing you peace and love always. May 2012 be all that you want and full of acceptance and hope.
Be well and blessings to you and yours.
What Jen said. Wish I could have done more but I feel happy that these small efforts on my side made you feel better
Oh, Bob. I couldn't have made it without you, either. You were one of the ones that pulled me out of my pit of depression, when all I wanted to do is read bad books and watch Toddlers and Tiaras. Had it not been for you telling me to a grip and to not let others get me down, I would still be lying on my couch, wondering who won Grande Supreme. *hugs*
Mariana & Ingrid: Thank you. Wishes and thoughts, small or large, mean more than you can know. *hugs*
Stephani: Bobs stick together, BBFF. The haters can go to fucking hell. Grrrr.
I can't imagine not having you as my friend. *hugs*
I just want to reach out and give you a great big squishy hug. I know we don't chat often, but you are always around in the background and seem to always give me a lift when I need it. 2011 has been a bad year for me as well – not in the ways you are struggling, but enough that I have suffered. I thank you for your courage and love.
Happy New Year. xoxo J
Eyre: The feeling is mutual, my love. *hugs*
Jen: Thank you for being you, Jen. We always seem to connect when one or the other of use needs a boost. It's these little things that always help. *squishies*