I was going to write something profoundly witty to mark the occasion of the last day of 2011. You know, just my usual brand of awesome.
However, when reflecting about the past year, there is only one thing which has dominated my life as well as those of the people around me and that has been, and still is, my mental illness.
Without a doubt this has been one of the toughest years I’ve ever had.
God, geezus, has it ever been.
When I wrote the other day about my main achievement having been surviving 2011, it was no exaggeration.
There were so many times when I didn’t think I would make it, when the thoughts about ending the overwhelming and suffocating pain of depression consumed me, when all I could think about was escape.
I recently read one of those tumblr quotes/notes which said ‘Depression takes away the one thing you thought could never be taken away – yourself’.
On top of everything else – the depression, the anxiety disorder, the obsessive compulsive disorder, the diagnosis of bipolar and the bad behaviours associated with these illnesses such as my self-medication with booze and my self-harming – one of the biggest things I’ve had to struggle to deal with is my sense of loss of self.
That I’m not the person who I thought I was.
I know I am, if now somewhat changed, but feeling I am is something quite different and is a battle I continue to fight daily.
Which leads me to one of the most significant things I’ve experienced this year – the love, friendship and unconditional support of my family and my online friends.
If not for them, I couldn’t have got through 2011.
If not for your wishes, hope and belief in me, I don’t believe I would still be here.
It’s really as simple as that.
There are so many who’ve helped me get through this year; whether it be by leaving a comment, by tweeting me, by sending me an email, by mailing me a card or a present.
While I can’t name you all – which I’m totally blaming on my new memory-killing meds – there are a number of people who immediately spring to mind as they’ll never know how many times their reaching out to me happened when I was at my lowest.
The times when I was corresponding with them while my entire body was shaking, barely seeing the keyboard because of my uncontrollable sobbing, and with only the words I was typing to them stopping me from focussing on knives and blood.
To Tam, Chris, Sean, Juni, Emilie, Tiffany, Tish, Orannia, Tracy, Jen, Kaetrin and Eyre as well as to those who’ve come more recently into my life like Stephani, Amara and Nic – I thank you.
There are no other words profound enough to express how deeply I appreciate you all and am so very grateful for having you – and all the rest of my minions ❤ – in my life.
The life you’ve helped me fight for.
And now I’m all snotty and sappy.
Those who dared:
Kris on maybe it’s me, but… kaetrin on maybe it’s me, but… Kris on maybe it’s me, but… kaetrin on maybe it’s me, but… Kris on maybe it’s me, but…