tam’s guest post: m/f romance writers anonymous

Are you becoming bored and frustrated trying to churn out yet another m/f romance novel? Have you run out of euphemisms for vagina? If you are looking to release yourself from the shackles of traditional het romance there is a group to help. M/F Romance Writers Anonymous (MFA for short) can help you move beyond pussies, beavers, boxes and snatches to a double helping of dongs, peckers, schlongs and willies. The research can be onerous but the end results are well worth the long hours spent trolling the internet for porn or pictures and the mandatory attendance at Gay Pride parades and ComiCons stalking Mr. Sulu.

Like other popular Anonymous groups, the Twelve Steps of recovery from writing M/F fiction, will you to move on to M/M fiction without guilt or remorse or a craving for flowery vagina descriptions with the structure and support of fellow authors who’ve BTDT.

1. Admit that you are powerless over the allure of the Vagina and that your writing of romance and sex between men and women has become unmanageable, boring and repetitive.

2. Believe that there is a power greater than yourself who can restore to your writing the hotness and intensity that it held in those early heady days of man/woman sex.

3. Made the decision to “ditch the chick” and put two hot guys in bed/a bar/a backroom/a toilet/a restaurant/a car/a hotel room/a public park/etc. together for some scorching sex.

4. Make a searching and fearless inventory of all things related to gay sex, google porn, buy “how to” books, sample the lube at the pharmacy, don’t be afraid of the buttsecks.

5. Admit to your editor, yourself and your readers the exact nature of your wrong and that you will take steps to change and improve yourself and your writing by adding more dicks and fewer chicks.

6. Let your editor and beta readers remove all of the defects of your new characters, let them be manly, let them not have a plethora of tears or a mad desire to clean the bathroom every Saturday morning.

7. Humbly ask your editor to remove your characters’ shortcomings and ensure that every character you write has a dick worthy of a porn star.

8. Make a list of all of the books you’ve written using the term “netherlips” and be willing to make amends. Write an equal number of m/m books without ever using the terms rosebud or winking anus.

9. Make direct amends to those readers who have been forced to endure weeping pussies and throbbing clits. Offer them free glimpses of the heaven that is man-on-man loving with excerpts on your blog/website/LJ.

10. Continue to take personal inventory, continue to support your ever growing love of the penis cavorting with other penises by searching yet more porn, more erotica, more fetishes, more real-life interactions to add authenticity to your work.

11. Through meditation and web browsing, seek to bring yourself closer to your editor’s vision, praying for the guidance to make your next work of art a thing of beauty with multiple orgasms and copious ejaculate.

12. Having discovered the nirvana that is writing m/m fiction, commit to spreading the word and convincing others who have gone astray to join you in the your new and pervy world.

If you follow these 12 steps, you too can joining the ranks of world-renowned m/m authors like KZ Snow, Josh Lanyon, Sean Michael (fetish research necessary to join this group) and many others who have found fame and success (not necessarily monetary) in the m/m genre.

Fear not the penis, it can be your literary friend.

About Kris

Reads, rants, randoms & R+s. You've been warned. BTW, don't follow me if you're a GLBTQQphobic wanker. It won't end well. For you.
This entry was posted in guest post, m/f, m/m, tam. Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to tam’s guest post: m/f romance writers anonymous

  1. Chris says:


    Spare me from having to read one more description like “her feminine channel”! (CF, I am looking at you.)

  2. Hot dirty MM bathroom sex with more rosebuds than netherlips? I'm in.

    Oh wait, I have a FF I'm trying to sell that uses the word “netherlips”. Does this count?

  3. Tam says:

    Chris: Is that like the Oprah channel on cable?

    KB: As long as no candles are involved I believe “netherlips” can be used in f/f. Just keep them away from the boys.

  4. Bad memories of candle use with females after watching Debbie Does Dallas back in college. Girl worked in a candle store in the pron.

  5. Jenre says:

    Very funny Tam. I'm convinced, where do I sign up?

    Oh, I forgot, I'm not an author – does that matter?

  6. Tam says:

    Moral support of the afflicted is always appreciated Jen. I'm sure you could act in that capacity.

  7. Lily says:

    ROFL, great post Tam!

  8. Tam says:

    Thanks Lily. I think KZ was the inspiration for this one. It's amazing how one stay comment someone tosses out in a comment can turn into a post. Watch what you say people. 😉

  9. K. Z. Snow says:

    😀 😀 😀

    Tam, I swear, there is no end to the versatility of your genius! I'm honored to have inspired you.

    (KB, say no to “netherlips!” Try a different euphemism, like “wet wings of love” or “southern flappers” or “the dark mouth of the koi.”)

  10. KZ: I am so using the phrase, “the dark mouth of the koi” in one of my WIP's.

  11. Chris says:

    Lovely. I'm going to have nightmares about my own body, with phrases like those…

  12. LOL! Great guest post, Tam!
    Btw good thing you can't understand Dutch – you should see the horrible words translaters use for all the euphemisms out there! Makes you wanna cry, so not sexy! *groan*

  13. K. Z. Snow says:

    KB: Yay! I'm glad somebody's going to use it. Exotic and mysterious, don't you think? “Koi” sounds so much better than “carp.” 😉

  14. Kris says:

    Every time I read this, Tam, it makes me LMAO.

    @KZ: “”Koi” sounds so much better than “carp.” ;-)”

    Yeah, very exotic. *rolls eyes*

  15. Tam says:

    Glad to be of service and keep you amused KZ. What will you do next I wonder.

    If I ever read “the dark mouth of the koi.” I swear I'd pee myself.

    I can only imagine Janna. Literal translations can be good for a laugh.

    Thanks Kris. You pushed me to do it. 😛

  16. orannia says:

    Tam? *bows* You are a genius! If I wrote, I'd be signing up like yesterday 🙂

  17. Tam says:

    Thanks Orannia. It's never too late to start writing. 🙂

  18. Y'all are insane. We have established that, yes? lol

  19. Kris says:

    In one of his books, my favourite author, Terry Pratchet, wrote down this little bit of wisdom: “Insanity is catching.”

    You've be warned, Bridget.

  20. Tam says:

    Yes Bridget and I hate to tell you, that you are there with us. It's too late to escape now.

    Hallelujah Ingrid. 😀

  21. Is there a twelve step for those of us branching into het? My het readers say I keep queering it up.

    Can I help it if my girl a drag king or my guy likes pegging?

    Help me, oh great blogosphere. You're my only hope.

  22. Chris says:

    Don't do it! Don't go het!

  23. Kris says:

    Angelia, don't be seduced by the dark side!

    Remember, the mfa will be with you… always…

  24. Jenre says:

    Are you trying to be reassuring or just scare the pants off the poor woman.

    Sheesh, you may as well have said 'We'll come round to your house and beat you up if you continue to write m/f romance'. Cos we're totally NOT doing that.

    Are we?

  25. Kris says:


    Mainly cos they won't let me back into the US after the last time.

  26. Chris says:

    *rips up engraved invitation to have Kris visit*

  27. Kris says:

    Yeah. 😦

    But srsly who knew that there was a JRW anti-Butch and V posse.

  28. Chris says:

    Oh oh. *looks nervous*

  29. Kris says:

    I think it was the burning effigy that did it. Some people can be so sensitive.

  30. Go het?

    I've been writing straight smut since I was 15. I didn't get into the gay side until my 30s.

    I'm just now starting to get a few het pieces published. So far, unimpressed with the sales results. And a lot of my characters are bisexual, so even my queer work has het in it sometimes.

    (if you call kissing your male lover while sandwiched between the post-coital female conjoined twins “het.”)

  31. Tam says:

    Angelia honey, that's just called freaky weird. 😉

    There's no future in girl parts anymore. Times are a changing. Although I rue the day when even boy parts will be passé and it will be all about androids plugging themselves into a wall to get a charge. Sigh.

  32. Tam,
    You mean like the C3PO/Millennium Falcon story I wrote and Geocities ate?

    (and the freaky weird is ALIVE ON THE INSIDE, which Kris has on her Goodreads widget)

  33. Kris says:

    Hey, I really liked that freaky weird ALIVE ON THE INSIDE on my Goodreads widget, although granted train/mostly dead human sex would wig out some peeps. 😉

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